I am NOT one of those women who simply always wanted to be a wife and a mother For a lot of my life I didn't know what I wanted to be, but wife and mother never really crossed my mind.
When I quit my teaching job last spring and as I have even scaled back ministry work this year to focus on the two little disciples I have living with me it has been hard.
The work is hard.
The work is dirty.
I mean, doing at least one load of laundry every day, wiping poopy bottoms, getting spit up on, blending purees fit for toothless baby comsumption, doing dishes, baking bread, endlessly cleaning floors and putting away toys and saying "no" and keeping E in time out and putting Z down for naps and watching the clock eagerly waiting for nap time or for Jon to get home is not really my ideal way to spend a day.
Even the fun things, like playing with glitter and glue, walking to the park, giggles and tickles and cuddling and cooing can seem so.... unspiritual.
This was significantly harder when E was a baby and I was trying to figure everything out.
I really connect with God when I am teaching His Word, leading bible studies, mentoring girls and prayer walking the campus. I connect with God when I am planning trainings for our students to grow as leaders and missionaries and followers of The Way.
When I do these things, although they are outward actions, my heart is singing and praising and worshipping God.
Going to the park and playing with Mr. Potato head...not so much.
But, my kids are totally worth it so the majority of my time is spent at home these days. Trying so hard by God's grace to raise them to love their parents and love their Lord and love their neighbors.
One evening not too long ago, I was putting Evangeline to bed after a particularly naughty day and found myself praying something different with her at night besides the usually "Thank you God for mommy and daddy and Evie and Zachy. Thank you for Jesus. Amen."
Instead, I prayed this alongside my daugher:
"Jesus, Evangeline is very sorry that she didn't listen to mommy and daddy today. She is sorry that she threw a fit and threw her toys. thanks God for loving her so much, even though she sometimes misbehaves Amen".
With that Evangline, in her 'upset' voice told me firsthand how she disobeyed daddy that day. And then she said "Sorry God".
And so I continued praying
And Jesus, I am sorry too. I am sorry that I was not very patient with Evangeline today. Please help me to be more patient. And thank you God for loving me so much, even though I sometimes misbehave
When we go outside after Zachary's morning nap we look at the blue sky, the palm trees, the mountains and the sun. And we give thanks to God for his creation. Evangeline, in her sweet little two-year old girl voice, and me in my prideful 30 year-old woman heart.
When I am forced to endure 30 minutes of annoying Veggie tales random lyrics and silly stories (which Evangeline LOVES by the way) and I hear her say that God made her beautiful on the outside, but wants her to beautiful on the inside, I feel better about the messy hair and crows feet that I see looking back at me in the mirror.
When I try feebly and clumsily to explain to Evangeline who God is, and eventually land on "God is The King", and then I hear her say to me a couple of days later "God is the ONLY king" I am humbled in my heart by the majesty and glory of The Only King.
When all of these moments, plus a million more giggles and cuddles and loads of laundry and poopy bottoms fill up my day, I hear God asking me to worship him in a new way.
A way that is different.
And difficult.
To be perfectly honest, i am looking forward to continuing in vocational ministry, and adding back some hours next year or the year after. I have no problem what so ever with putting my kids in day care a couple of times a week. Especially with introverted E who really benefits from structured social time.
But, I am so thankful for the ways that God is teaching me to worship him in a role that is so, so pleasing to Him.
What a terrifying and beautiful and mysterious concept, that He doesn't just use paid ministers for his kingdom work, but that he uses stay at home moms, and working moms, to raise up little children into grown-up Sons and Daughters.
I am thankful that He has taken a role, the role of motherhood, that for me seemed so earthly and humble and....poopy...and shown me how important it is to be there to teach my little ones, and myself, things like repentance, and patience, and how to be worshippers of The Only King.
2 comments:
Beautifully written! So glad I found your blog. :)
I am currently teaching the book of John in our women's SS class and we just began ch. 13 where Jesus lays aside his robe and takes on the role of a slave, washing the feet of his disciples. My take away last Sunday was it doesn't matter the season, role as wife, mother or minister, do I have a slave's heart and I will I wash the feet of those who are in my path today? Our roles change but as a slave of Christ I will always have someone to serve. Great post Kirsten. Press on!!!
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